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P-A-T-R-I-O-T-I-C Eggs and the Promise of More Hyphens.

June 15, 2010

Captain America: Patriot

I woke up Saturday morning (afternoon) after a blissful night of reconnecting with old friends over music and gin n’ tonics. Toes twinkling and tummy rumbling, I descended upon my host’s kitchen to execute one of my favorite ‘thank-you-for-having-me-dear-dear-friend’ maneuvers: the kitchen clean and feast-level breakfast preparation. Alas, I was confronted by two HORRors!!! An electric range AND a best friend** allergic to both milk and cheese. Flabbergasted and terrified, I nevertheless pressed on to create the following:


(5) Eggs, beaten with no milk added because your dumb (read: altogether wonderful) best friend is lactose intolerant in inconsistent and frustrating ways.

(1) Whole red bell pepper, chopped into little, but not tiny pieces.

(5) Halved and sliced Baby Bella Mushrooms, brushed, not rinsed.

(3) Cloves garlic, minced up real good, mincey-like.

(1/2) Stick of butter. Do not ever be shy with the butter.

Black pepper and kosher salt to taste, but hey, I’m not any less shy with the seasonings than I am with the butter.

(1) Fat dash of dried Basil flakes.

(1) Less fat dash of Red Pepper flakes.

(2 – 3) Fists of crushed Blue Corn chips.

(1-1.5) Handfuls of Mozzarella-flavored Veggie Shreds

Get a skillet that doesn’t even necessarily distribute heat evenly and place on a wobbly, canted electric burner you think is set to Medium heat. Melt your butter up and swirl it all around the pan. When it’s heated to the point of getting a little bubbly, toss in the peppers, garlic and mushrooms. They should hiss – otherwise you’ve just ruined everything. Saute those puppies for a minute or two while you deal with the fact that you’re about to use “Veggie Shreds”, FAKE cheese in your breakfast. Add Basil, Salt and Black Pepper to the wilted veggie mix to create a roux.

After a few minutes, but before you burn the heck out of the garlic, pour on your beaten eggs, even though you are SURE that this breakfast is going to be like, “Oh, no, really, it’s FINE, I love burnt eggs and waxy not-cheese”. Sigh.

Let the eggs get a little cooked on the bottom while you crumble on the Blue Corn chips. Once this is done, scramble away with a spatula. Any kind of spatula will do.

Get out the Veggie Shreds. I’m serious. Then – put them ON the food you’re cooking. Right on the eggs in the skillet. Do this about 1 minute before the eggs are completely cooked through. Give the entire dish some flips around the skillet. At this point, remove the skillet from the burner and let the heat of the eggs melt the cheese up. At this point, you will be amazed at how delicious everything smells and how patriotic your flippin’ eggs look!

I served this dish with a cold fruit salad of watermelon chunks and fresh strawberry halves in a house with no AC on. It was flame.

I’m telling you – cook these eggs. Cook them for your friends. Cook them for yourself. Cook them for your fox, your box, your wombat, whatever, man – they’re freakin’ good.

Feel free to put on a little Mellencamp while you’re at it.

"The Coug" Mellencamp: Little Pink House Enthusiast (and also Patriot)

** This childhood friend is the only person who doesn’t eat cheese that I feel I can really trust. Everyone else of this ilk gets the suspicious eye from me.

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